I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
