i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
