This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
