How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
organizing the empties. That sober.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
