I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
