I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
