More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
