there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
