my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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