you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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