im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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