i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
