He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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