i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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