Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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