i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
