I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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