I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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