I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize