Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
