so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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