The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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