He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize