When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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