Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
