Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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