see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
