He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
