I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
