The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
