I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
4 words: hood of his car
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
