she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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