So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
