Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
