I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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