there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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