so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
