bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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