I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
