She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Green mimosas i think yes
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
