after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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