I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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