You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
