Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Randomize
