remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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