If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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