I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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