If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
