i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
