Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize