dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
