I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
