yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
