We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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