I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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