I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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