if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
that is very illegal...i love you.
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