do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
