quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize