Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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