I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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