you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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