it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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