I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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