Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
