I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
