I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
