i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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