I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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